The end is near

So we are now the proud owners of a bird who hates our guts, and not one but 2 replacements cats.

While driving home from Pet Smart, my phone rings. "Oh Mrs. Dibbles, we forgot to give you the medicine for Bonkers" 

It seems Bonkers has a sinus infection and needs antibiotics along with drops in his eyes.  I take the remaining 5 minutes of the trip home to feel very sorry for myself. We arrive home with Bonkers and his evil sidekick.  Bonkers, whom we shall now call Morris, gets out of the carrier, struts up to the dogs, swats Clyde on the nose when his greeting becomes to overzealous, and the saunters away.  Welcome to the family Morris,

The other cat .... obviously hates us more than the bird, and we didn't even think that was possible.  We call the cat Guinness.  We take Guinness up to the 3rd floor dog free zone, so he can adjust slowly, and give him his own food and litter box there. Kid #3 lets him out of the carrier, he hisses and darts away.  I explain to Kid #3 it takes time yadda yadda yadda. Guinness hides from us - so well we wonder if he got outside somehow.  In our defense let me just say it is very hard to try to bond with an invisible cat.  So for 2 weeks we try to find evil cat and try to be nice to him. Bonkers aka Morris doesn’t give a crap about evil cat and it is obvious now we've been had.  The old "they have to stay together story" was just a way to get some schmuck to take an evil unadoptable cat home.  So on the 14th night of our life with evil cat, he comes into the hallway on the 3rd floor,  and lays down.  I’m baffled but sit next to him and pet him.  He dies.  OK THIS CYCLE ENDS RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!  

I poke the cat a few times to see if he is really dead (oh come on how attached can you get to a cat that hated you the entire 2 weeks you had him).  I go and wake up Husband who does not care at all that there is a dead cat in the hallway.  I call Kid #1 who is downstairs with a prospective new suitor, who is about to leave. "Can he just toss the dead cat in a dumpster on the way home?"  Mr. Tightywhitey is horrified and says no (he clearly will not ever fit in to this family) and I move on to plan B.  I wake up Husband again.  Few people can comprehend the depth of Husband’s anger when you wake him up.  

I finally get him up and tell him he has to get up, get dressed, go out in the freezing cold, at midnight, and take a dead cat he didn't want, but paid for, go find a dumpster to throw him in, so we can then lie to the boys in the morning and tell them we buried the cat after a lovely moonlit funeral.  Ok so maybe the man was entitled to a little anger.  By 12:45 the deed is done and we call it a night.

In the morning I tell the boys.  #3 starts to look sad "Don't even start - you saw the cat like 3 times in the 2 weeks we had him - go find Morris"

So Morris is a great cat.  Turns out "sinus infection" is not an accurate diagnosis.  He has emphysema or some other chronic old cat ailment that causes him to frequently sneeze cat snot all over the world while occasionally making "I’m dying - the end is near" noises.  We rename him "one lung" and praise him for being a good sitter. Aside from the addition of cat snot to the house, Morris does all the appropriate good cat things.  Sits in sunny windows, is friendly, lets our little niece chase him throughout the house, until we fear his one good lung will give out & put him in a bedroom for safety.  He is not an outside cat, but will go out and sit on the back porch in the sun but never leave the porch.  

Old One Lung was with us for 4 years, and was the best sitter we ever had.  He could sit like no other, and he could sit all day.  One day after sitting in the sun on the porch, he walked away and we never saw him again.  We gave it a very poetic spin, that he knew he was going to die, and spared us the mental anguish, but every time we make the boys clean up the back yard, and again when we took down the hot tub, we always wonder if we will find him.  

We've since had 2 cats that kid #3 rescued after someone left 6 kittens and adult cat in our neighborhood.  Blackey Chan (I don't even get involved in naming cats anymore as I realize the right name for the cat appears as time goes on) was so sweet and friendly and would walk right into neighbors houses - she also was lacking a few necessary brain cells and would sit in the middle of the street.  She never came home one day, and we are going with someone claimed her as their own.  The other cat was almost feral.  He was called Gordito which is Spanish for short & fat.  He is a beautiful black cat with green eyes and the most miserable grumpy creature you will ever meet.  I worked a lot with him and he did well even sitting on my lap a few times.  Then we said yes to taking Seamus's twin brother, Spike whose owners were giving him up.  Perhaps it has something to do with his incredible pole vaulting & 6 foot fence jumping skills.  Spike saw Gordon (we changed his name because he was so miserable we thought it would piss him off more) as a toy to pounce on.  Gordon frowned upon being pounced on and resorted to spending more time outside.  At the same time the next door neighbor’s dog died and Gordon started being nice to her.  So now Gordon lives with them AND sleeps on their bed.  I get to see him sitting in the window, he is in a Spike free zone, and the neighbors have a new pet to replace their dead dog.  It’s a win win for everybody!!

We are currently cat free and will remain so until after the move.    

THE END !