communication

The secret communication between a mom & her offspring, when significant others are in ear shot, is an art some catch on to quicker than others.

By saying the words “did you” & making eye contact with my daughter, followed by a combination of a right head tilts, eye gestures, and a shoulder shrug, is clearly understood by her as “Last night did you see hot Mr. X, and was there any spark?”  Her response of eye roll, shoulder shrug, giant exhale, eye roll, as she walks away obviously means “yes, NO ugh yes – we’ll talk later”. 

Simple private communication at its best.

Addressing my son in a similar manner – does not produce the same results. 

An eye stare, nod towards the girlfriend, slow shoulder shrug with question look on my face” translates to him as “The Gazelle flies at Dawn” and accordingly he responds with “HUH?” 

So I simplify the secret language for him and add more words:  “How is” nod to girlfriend, whisper voice “doing today?”  Son who is apparently more interested in assuring his penis is still attached, and clearly is lacking the stealth gene, says “WHAT?” in a voice much louder than spy code dictates.
Now, as significant other stares at us, I say through clenched teeth “I wanted to know how your girlfriend was doing today?” Son, with the annoyed / confused look on his face says “I don’t know”, then turns to significant other and says “My MOM wants to know how you are today?” 

<SIGH>

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The Frog Pimp

Our little backyard is like a tiny terrarium of wild life.  We have a chipmunk family, 2 cardinal families, and a rather large tribe of frogs, which have decided to call the yard home, this summer. 

Since we put the pond in, you can count on a bullfrog calling out for a mate, usually once a night.  Evidently there is a reproductive drought for frogs; the female frogs are busy burning their bras, there has been a crackdown on frog prostitution, or somehow I just had the misfortune of ending up with the South Jersey Chapter of the Lonely Frog Hearts club.

Whatever the reason, for the past month there have been 3 male bullfrogs looking for love, with no success.  One in the big pond, one in the little pond, and one, we have named Napoleon, had decided the pool is the best den of love. 

The frog in the little pond sounds old, but is still giving it the ole college try, the frog in the big pond sounds like a high school nerd and has a not fully developed his love call, but now good ole Napoleon, he is a player.  The dude goes into the skimmer basket in the pool, and calls the ladies from there ….. so it echoes …. Which makes him sound like God’s gift to frog women everywhere.  I swear you hear Barry White playing in the back ground.  The old frog and the young frog call it a night early, but not our Napoleon; he is a machine, and is still wooing the frog ladies as the sun rises. 

We have not decided how to break it to him that any fertilized eggs deposited in the pool will be sucked up by the automatic vacuum the next day. 

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working is not working

So I sit at work trying to concentrate, knowing full well that my house is systematically being destroyed by the fire ants I gave birth too.  While it will be "no one’s" fault and each and every narcissistic fire ant will have a complete self appreciating tale of how they could and would not ever attempt such demolition, or blatant disrespect of the home I created, the fact remains - there are piles of destruction everywhere.

Each time I come home from work, it is like waking up after your best friend’s bachelor party.  I walk from room to room wondering, pondering, questioning; who is the stranger in the pool, why is there a dog I’ve never seen before taking a dump in my yard, where did the freezer in the driveway come from, whose shirt is floating in the pond, and other peculiar questions, that leave one at a loss for words.

“Nice to meet you # 2’s significant other’s friend; what a small world that your brother knows # 4 from wrestling and you both have spent the day in my pool.  Doesn’t your mom miss her family?”

 “No, #1, my day was ok, and I’m not quite ready to crack open a beer with you at 4 o’clock in the afternoon, but thank you for asking.”

“Thank you #4 for taking care of the dogs - I can see by the attempted hole to China that you remembered to let them out this morning.  Maybe tomorrow we can let them in before they try tunneling to freedom.”

“Yes, #2, I can see you made sure #4 matched today, the clothes pulled from the dryer, and spread out all over the floor, are a testament to your ability to make him follow through.”

 “Cool # 3 - that is so great that Al Capone & Jeff Dahlmer, whom I haven’t seen, since they were in kindergarten with you 14 years ago, stopped by and hung out for a while.  It is super they remembered you and said to tell me Hi.  Of course I want to hear what they were arrested for last time, just give me a minute.”

 “I am just going to step over the empty plates and glasses on the floor, follow the wet towel trail up to my bedroom, make sure the dogs are alive, change my clothes and then spend a little bit of time in my closet, rocking back and forth in the fetal position ..... I’ll be right back .


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Happy Birthday to Me !

What does a 46 year old look like

Slightly bulgier – as apparently one cheeseburger now equals an immediate 5 pound weight increase

Calmer – partly due to maturity and partly due to the fact that yelling causes you to pee your pants

Blinder – when did they start making words so freaking tiny

Wiser – as I now have mastered the art of “pick your battles with your kid 101” and have patented the ...phrase “your grounded – give me your phone”

Lives Simply – A direct result of the current economy providing no way to pay for the finer things in life

Zen –I accept that everyone judges everyone and what someone thinks does not change anything about me ....or maybe it’s just I don’t give a &%^& ….. either way it’s a good thing

Friendless – I have no time to have friends – if it weren’t for a husband, 4 kids & 2 significant others, I would have no one to talk to after work and be the poster child for crazy dog ladies.

All in all, the positives outweigh the negatives & I’ll take it !

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